It’s been a while since I’ve translated a text message, but as those at the Center scramble for power and internet access became extremely dodgy three days ago, text messaging has become more a more reliable source of information. Sigh. Indeed, the long text that follows speaks to the dissatisfaction and resignation that often creeps into daily conversations; it certainly hints at the extent to which non-compliance and minor sabotage may characterize administrative and business life throughout Shenzhen, and Shenzhen I’m told, is one of the “easiest” places in China to achieve one’s goals in the public sphere.

中国特色“解决”大观

领导问题靠书记解决，政治问题靠经济解决，外交问题靠呼吁解决，军事问题靠和平解决，党外问题靠党内解决，思考问题靠忽悠解决，道德问题靠运动解决，文化问题靠管制解决，市场问题靠行政解决，亏空问题靠印钞解决，社会问题靠城管解决，面子问题靠盛会解决，建设问题靠强拆解决，生育问题靠计划解决，前途问题靠拼爹解决，致富问题靠中彩解决，医疗问题靠伪劣解决，饮食问题靠掺假解决，办学问题靠排污解决，科技问题靠山寨解决，学术问题靠剽窃解决，明星问题靠上床解决，军衔问题靠唱歌解决，公安问题靠黑道解决，升职问题靠买官解决，反腐问题靠贪官解决，股市问题靠圈钱解决，舆论问题靠封锁解决，疑虑问题靠“我信”解决，和谐问题靠糊弄解决，民意靠对付解决。。。保持联系靠短信解决！

Principles of “resolving the issue” Chinese style

The Secretary resolves leaders’ problems, the economy resolves political problems, appeal [to others] to resolve foreign relations, peace resolves military problems, the Party resolves non-Party problems, scams resolve problems of understanding, political movements resolve moral problems, supervision resolves cultural problems, policy implementation resolves market problems, printing money resolves the debt problem, municipal administration resolves social problems, banquets resolve face problems, forced razing resolves construction problems, planning resolves birth problems, “my father is more important than your father” resolves future problems [qiantu puns “road” and “future direction”], the lottery resolves problems of getting rich, low quality resolves the medical situation, adulteration resolves food and drink problems, discharging waste water resolves education problems, shanzhai production resolves science and technology problems, plagiarism resolves education problems, sleeping together resolves movie star problems, singing songs resolves military rank problems, gangsters resolve public safety problems, buying a political appointment resolves promotion problems, corrupt officials resolve anti-corruption problems, expropriation resolves stock market problems, blocking the internet resolves public opinion problems, “I believe” testimonials resolve doubts, muddying the waters resolves harmonious society problems, weapons of the weak resolve problems of realizing the people’s will. . . and to resolve problems of staying in touch, let’s text!